Absent

I know that I have been a bit absent from blog land. There is good reason, I promise.

I have been busy.
I have been busy trying not to poke someones eye out with a knitting needle.
I have been busy trying not to rip everyones face off at the drop of a hat.
I have been busy stuffing my face with lots of food.
I have been busy crying.
I have been busy being pissy about everything....anything.
I have been busy feeling like a crazy woman.

I have been busy..... quitting smoking.

It sucks.
It sucks bad.
It sucks worse than anyone who has never done it will ever know.

I have felt like a crazy woman most of the time. I have been edgey. I have been a bitch. I have been impossible to talk to, to reason with, to be around.

Poor Jared.......

He is quitting too.

So I want to rip his face off and he wants to rip my face off and then we are in a pissing match when really all we want to do is drive 1 mile to the Chevron......

.....but we won't.

So it has been 14 days since my last one, and WOW, has it been crazy.

I have tried to quit several times before by going cold turkey. Doesn't so much work for me. So I got a prescription for Chantix. I decided to wait until we got back from Hawaii to start it.

Now, how Chantix works is that you take the pills but still continue to smoke. Eventually, the pills make your smokes taste yucky so it helps with curbing the smoking. Then, you are supposed to make "lifestyle changes", because alot of smoking is just habitual. Then, you quit.

Mmmmm hmmmm. Not so easy. I really liked the Chantix at first. I didn't feel weird at all. But as time goes on, the dosage is bumped up. Then the crazy hits.

I have had the weirdest, vivid dreams. I think I have had about 5 to 6 babies, fought off giant snakes in my hut for a house, had crazy sex (we won't discuss that), had lost children, watched people get killed, etc.

Then the emotions hit. Whoa! Poor Jared, poor, poor Jared..... I can say that now, but in the height of the emotional hiatus--it was poor Tori, poor, poor Tori.

Then the yucky, sick feeling hit. I felt worse than when I was pregnant with Brogan. Jared actually kept asking if I was (no, I am not!!). Smells would make me sick. A trip to Walmart was hell. The smell of the plastic from the big rubbermaid bins--oh gross!

I don't suggest Chantix.

I did get really sick right after I started taking it. I think I had a case of really bad bronchitis. It hurt to breath normal air, let alone smoke. I couldn't sleep laying down. I felt like an elephant was living on my sternum. This is probably what helped me quit more than anything.

So, if you are a smoker and want to quit, I suggest you lick every door knob you see until you become deathly ill. That'll do it!!!

There is no miracle drug to make you quit. There are products out there that help, but honestly... you have to want to. You have to be willing to survive the pure hell of it and know that you will be better because of it.

I feel like I have broken up with my best friend. This friend has been there through it all. This friend has celebrated with me, been sad with me, been angry with me, has been right there through so many changes and challenges in my life. This friend has been a sort of coping mechanism for me, and now that we have broken up, I have to find a better coping mechanism.

Only a few people reading this is understanding me, the rest of you think I am crazy.....

I loved this friend. I relied on this friend, but I know that this friend is/was not good for me so I had to say good bye. Honestly, I will miss this friend.

I know that this decision has been a long time coming. Back at the first of the year, I posted about my guidance word for 2010 being NEW. This obstacle in my life was in mind when I wrote that. So here is to a NEW me, a non smoking me, a healthier me.