Conspiracy Theory

I went shopping for maternity pants last night. I just need one more pair. I have 1 and 1/2. I say a 1/2 because I have them but I don't like them but they will do. I also hate buying maternity clothes. Such a waste...

Anyway, I went looking for one pair to get me through til spring/summer hits. I have decided that there is a conspiracy going on.

Apparantly, tall people shouldn't get pregnant. They don't make maternity pants for tall people. It is a conspiracy by all the short people in the world to weed out the tall people so they can take over the world.......... just one hormone ridden girls theory.

So we went to Target. I grabbed a few to try on. The first pair looked ok, I slid them on and pulled them up. The hem of the leg was at my ankle, but the crotch was mid-thigh. Really?! Oh, but guess what?? The giant panel still came up to just under my bra. I looked like a gender confused pregnant teenager with my pants sagging off my butt.

Took those off. On to the next pair...

Slid them on and was excited when the crotch actually came up high enough. Then I looked in the mirror and realized they were skinny pants. Skinny maternity pants?! That's an oxymoron. First off, skinny pants are for skinny girls, hence the name. Which given my original size, skinny pants shouldn't be made that size, then add the maternity factor in there...... that's a disaster waiting to happen.

I kept an open mind. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I scanned up my body and there it was..... a peter poke. Bigger than life. For anyone that doesn't know what a peter poke is, let me explain. It is when pants have a little poochy part in the peter-area that pokes straight out, so in case you have a peter it would go in that poochy part of the pants. I despise peter pokes. These were the true oxymoron pants! A peter poke in maternity pants?! If I had a peter I wouldn't be pregnant!!!

Stripped those bad boys off. Meanwhile, there was a gaggle of pre-teen girls in the dressing room trying on swimming suits. Oh boy. One girl was trying to convince her mother that the suit was just fine even though her dad would scalp her alive if he caught her in it--"he just won't know mom."

I was so tempted to come strutting my stuff out of my little changing room in the oxymoron pants, push them out of the way of the full length mirrors and show them a thing or two. Hey, it would have been a good dose of birth control right?

I did try on this fantastic dress. It was full length, as in a couple inches drug on the floor (apparantly they make mu-mu's for tall people). It was gray and had an orange and green stripe that ran along the bottom. It had tank top ish sleeves, and a cowl neck. There was lots and lots of room for growth in that sucker.

I modeled it for Jared and Brogan. Brogan told me I was beautiful and loved it. Jared looked at me all cross eyed and asked if we were going to move to Oregon and start 'growin' our own'. I told him I would buy some Berkenstocks to go with it, or just go barefoot..... he wasn't to keen on that. But in all honestly, it was so comfy.

We left Target with 2 pairs of pants........for Jared.