Being a mom is hard. But, oh so rewarding. There are so many different aspects of motherhood. Some that pull on your heart strings in a 'lovey-dovey my child is perfect sort of way'. Then there is the 'gouging my eyes out with a knitting needle would be more fun' part. Then of course, once your child(ren) get older, there is the 'if you mess with my child and hurt their feelings/bully them I will hunt you down and torture you-even if you are 7 years old' part.
The part that I am really really struggling with right now is the, 'why do I leave my child under the care of someone else everyday while I go to work' part. It is just bothering me to pay someone, actually have to give them money, to witness and be a part of my, MY childs every day, cute little life. I think I should get paid to let someone spend time with my child. (I am currently in the 'my child is perfect' zone).
Just this morning, as I dropped Brogan off at Pams, he waved his cute little hand at me while standing in the doorway. He blew me kisses and said, "love you momma" while I drove away. While dropping him off, before I got in my car, he stopped me from leaving because he needed 'one more love'.
I wish I could be there to give him loves all day. Then maybe he wouldn't need 'one more' to get him through the day while I am gone.
I wish I could witness every single little silly, naughty, funny, smart thing he does all day. I only get a few hours of the day with him and his little personality blows me away. I wish I was the one that gets to give him loves and make him feel better when he gets hurt or someone makes him feel bad.
I know that these are the woe's of the working mother. I do wonder if every working mother feels the same way as I do.
Then, I think about this baby boy on the way. My emotions can not go there. Brogan was just a bit past his first birthday before we had to do daycare and that was hard. I can not image dropping off a 2 month old for the day.....
So here is my question.
What is best for children?
1.) To have 2 working parents; enough money to live on plus extra to do fun things; but yet the kids are essentially 'raised' by someone else all day; and yet we pay them to raise our kids.
2.) To have only 1 working parent; money is very tight; but yet one parent is home with the kids all the time experiencing everything with them.
This subject has bothered me for a long time. It is one of my most frustrating things about parenthood and being a working mother. So I am asking for all your opinions. I know this can turn into a 'hot topic' and is widely debated.
I do not want to debate it, I want to know what ya'll think and feel about it. Give me your experiences as either a working mom or a stay at home mom.
Paul and Tamara
13 years ago
9 comments:
It's a tough decision. I think if there were any way financially you could stay home, that would be the answer. But I remember when I had small kids, as much as ya love em, staying home everyday gets old too. I could not wait until you were all grown, so I could go to work, but looking back, I wish I would have spent more time playing with my kids
Then you have to consider all the extras, you would have to go without, because money is tight. Are you all willing to without some of those extras?
But, when I read about him wanting one more hug, that does make the heart hurt.
Good luck with your decision.
Tori- I struggle with it everyday as well. Eversince we had Camden I have been lucky enough to only have to work 3 days a week (which still can be a lot). I look at how attached to me he is and how funny he is then I think back at what I missed with Tay and Anthony. I missed all their cute moments, loving moments and everything else in between. It tears me apart when I think about that(thanks for making me cry). I do agree with your mom that it would be great to stay home all the time but you also need your adult time (sanity). It is a hard decision to make. Unfortunately I will never be able to stay home full time because of Dustin's uncertain car income and I am also the benefit holder. My benefits (which you would know) are a heck of a lot cheaper than his through his work. I have learned that I just have to try to cherish every moment I have with my kids and to try to be a fun/loving mom that they need. Oh and just an FYI dropping off a 2 month old is probably one of the hardest things to do (I did it on all 3 kids) but if it helps make you feel any better he is too young to make you feel bad about it. Good luck with it all! I think of you often and we REALLY need to get together sometime. Love ya!!
Easy answer...one parent should stay home regardless what the sacrifice is. I will always be grateful that Jason and I made that choice. My children have some of the best memories of when they would be home for the summer time driving that man crazy! It is imperative in todays society that our children have more attention from their parents. Now, I would never take away the responsibility or respect a day care provider deserves, especially Pam. She is a God send! BUT......if I had to make the choice all over again. I would stick with my choice of keeping one parent at home. You never get those days back. A good memory can be building a train track out of sticks and a castle out of rocks with your kids. Your cars get old....your toys will break.....the memories you create will last a lifetime.
I don't have kids, but I was one a lot more recently than you (you old bag! lol). Since Dad was a teacher, he got to spend a lot of time with us, almost as much as if he had stayed home, since when we weren't in school, often he wasn't either. Mom was gone all the time in the summer because of fires, but when she was home, we got to go cool places.
I think getting to go spend family time when we weren't home, let us have a lot more fun when we were home too, because we weren't together all the time driving each other crazy. See if you can weasel your way into a schedule more like Tacey's so you can do fun stuff still, and get to spend more time at home...of course, I just remember middle and high school mostly, which is also when my mom was the stupidest, meanest, person I knew and Dad was ruining my life by scaring off all the boys...so going on trips away from people that saw me all the time let me get to appreciate "the old ones" without letting anyone at school know. :)
I am in your same boat and feel your guilt about dropping the kids off. I LOVE being home with em on my days off and such and I often wonder if its all worth it. Lance is almost 5 months and for the last two hes had to rely on someone else. I have one advantage that with my 'law enforcement' schedule I work nights and work when they sleep.
I have no advice on what to do. Our situation is that I have to work for our benifits and until our school debt ect is paid off. Maybe if I didn't have bills to pay I would stay home?
I can say though that no matter what you do your kids will love you no matter what. No matter who is there to watch em durring the day, your the one tucking them in at night.
I am in a hurry, and I posted a great big long response and went to post it and my Internet had dropped. Basically in fewer words (you'll be grateful) here's my experience:
We sacrificed a lot to keep me home with the kids growing up, until my little last one came along about the same time the oldest were graduating from high school, going on missions, and college, etc. So she ended up being carted off to care givers while I went to work part-time to help pick up the necessities. Even at that, we were still sacrificing, but Heather did get some advantages materially her older siblings did not.
Heather is a very pro-women's rights kind of gal. She says look at her. She was raised by babysitters and she turned out great! Yeah, she did. Except in one area. Of all our children, she is the only one who is not devoted to the family. The only one.
If we could turn back the clock and make decisions over again, both Brent and I agree that he would have found a second job (or maybe figured out a way to get paid what he was worth) and kept me home even then, after the rest of the kids were grown.
Anyway, that's my point of view at the end of the day...
Everyone has to make their own choices. It's a very personal decision. But if a family can figure out how to keep a mother in the home, I think there are benefits that cannot be measured in dollars and sometimes even in sense.
WOW, great great thoughts.
My answer needs some more thought, but Tori, you are the most amazing mother. Don't you ever ever doubt it.
Tori, Tori, Tori....
I want to tell you that staying home is everything that I wanted when I decided to quit working. Vincent has shown me everything that I missed with the other two when I was working. But... It is hard. I won't sugar coat it. Sometimes I wonder why I was chosen to raise these fantastic kids when all I want to do is get away from them. I miss being Mari, I am mom 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. When I worked I got to be Mari for a little while.
Vincent is much more clingy and spoiled than my other two (and much brattier) and I think that it is because when I worked I was GLAD to see my kids at the end of the day and I was excited to be with them and do things with them, I was a parent who tried.
But with me being around, and dealing with all the little things I get burned out and struggle to deal with the big things.
Vincent gets away with many things because I am tired of fighting and disciplining him, (and her), all day.
I love my kids and they are my whole life, but I know I take them for granted because I don't get to be Mari very often.
What ever you do make sure you find Tori time! That will make you the best mom you can be!
So I know I'm a little behind on the comments,but hopefully you will still find this useful. I am teared up reading the awesome advice from everyone on the age-old question to work? or not to work?
I thought I might have something profound to say, but it turns out the bottom line is still the same. The decision is hard to make and there's no easy answer.
I've done both and they have both had their drawbacks and benefits. Alot of times you can't afford to stay home or work because it costs alot to do either monetarily and also emotionally. We only have one car, we don't own our house, and we eat out very little blah, blah, blah, but we smile alot, still enjoy fun travels, look for free things to do and I appreciate it more now when I get to be alone for a minute and drink a cold diet coke. I am glad I have chosen to stay home and I think my kids will be better because or it........
Jobs will always be around and needing us but our kids will eventually grow up and need us less, I guess thats when the decision becomes easier huh?
You will make the right choice for your little family and the kids will never hold it against you because it will always be evident that you love them regardless of who cares for them during the day.
Good Luck, Love Misty
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