Parenting

I received a funny email about parenting about the time that I had Brogan. I thought it was cute and I laughed, but I didn't realize how absolutely truthful it really was, in a comedic sense.

Here are a few snipits that have hit home to me in the past few months.

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have
all the answers.

Way too self explanatory. Do not ask people who have never had kids for advice about your own kids. They have no freakin' idea!!

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and
watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive)
10. Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look
great; cheerful and together.

Luckily we are pretty much past this point. He has started to wake up in the night again, usually screaming cause he has rolled over and can't find his binkie. After one of us goes in and resituates him, plugs the binkie back in, he is good. But being pulled out of a deep restful sleep to screams, its kinda disorienting. Oh, and also in the middle of the schedule outlined above, just try to have time to have sex...

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms
hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Brogan likes to roll over now, in the middle of changing his clothes or diapers, and reach for something, anything. I can move all the toys and everything out of sight and he still reaches so far like the carpet just out of reach is very interesting. He is also impatient with long sleeves. And shoes, he is not a fan of shoes. I told Jared that we need to move to the Caribbean so he never has to wear shoes.

1. Hollow out a melon.
2 . Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Yeah, this one is true. When we put Brogan in his high chair, our house must look completely different. He is checking out the door knobs, the lights, the blinds, everything in my kitchen. He reminds me of a building inspector looking around. I have to try to hit his mouth sometime between the door knob and the stereo. He also likes us to shovel his food in, spoonful after spoonful. No rest for the weary. So between his curiousity and his appetite, it gets messy. He also likes to "help".

I realize that I was a parent to Taylor before Brogan came along, and I am not undermining that. But she is, and always has been, a pretty easy child. I came into her life at almost 5 years old. She could feed herself, had all her teeth, could walk, talk, and was potty trained, so it easy with her.

I love my little man and I love being a parent, but there are some days that you just have to appreciate the humor in real life, and giggle a little bit. Even if you have baby food carrots all over your face, from blowing carrot bubbles.