Viva Las Vegas!!

For the weekend we went to Las Vegas. So this week I am going to blog about our time there! We will call it "Vegas Week on Tori's Blog". I have great stories about getting screwed (not literally), about chicken-eyed dealers, lewdness, etc.

We left Brogan with my mom and dad and they had a great time with him. Before we left my dad gave me some advice about Vegas.

He said, "Be careful. If you stand still too long,they will screw ya. If ya run, they will bite your ass."

So true, so true......the wisdom of my father.

This post is dedicated to getting screwed. I guess I stand around too much.

Screwing # 1

So we check-in, park the car, and are walking into the Stratosphere to get to our room, carrying all our stuff. I have no clue where the 'correct' elevator is to get to our room in tower 2. I am standing there with a duh face on and a nice black guy approaches me. He has on a vest, name tag, all the credentials of someone who won't rob me. Or so I think.

I ask for directions to my elevator, he proceeds to rope us into "free show tickets, ride tickets, and dinner just to preview a fantastic timeshare in las vegas. It will only take 2 hours and we will feed you lunch...."

Blah, blah freakin' blah. So, like the dumbasses that we are, we sign up for 11:30 the next day. Of course, we had to give a $40 deposit to go, that they will give back before we load the shuttle. Ha ha, yeah right!

The next day, we arrive where we are supposed to be, and we actually got our $40 back. Everyone is all ass-kissy and smoozey to us. We go on a 7 to 10 minute ride to the timeshare place. Meet our salesman. He wasn't so bad, not all fake and smiley and stuff. Medium bad slick backed thinning hair, eyes that looked a little glazed, like they saw the bottom of one too many shot glasses the night before, and a totally stylin' cabana shirt.

Our "free lunch" consisted of a warm, styrofoam cup of either water, coke, or sprite and the tiniest, littlest bag of chips ever conceived, or some crackers with that fake peanut butter spread in between them.

Gross.

We watched a presentation of a really old guy talking about how cheap it used to be, back in the day. You know, 75 cents for the buffet, 25 cents for a gallon of gas, $1.50 for a room, 50 cents for a couple hours with a hooker, on and on. Then they tell us that for one week of vacation time we can spend a measly $49,000. With inflation that high, I wonder what that hooker would cost these days!!

Yeah, one week, per year for that much damn money. No way!

So the "manager" came over and gave us his oh-let-me-see-if-its-available oh yes, one-just-opened-up deal, of a tiny cardboard box, that you can put in the dumpster of the timeshare for $11,000 per year.

Ummmmmm, no. Can you take us back now.

So that short little 10 minutes shuttle drive to the facility turned into a 45 minutes ride back to the hotel. No more, smoozing, and kiss-ass happening. Oh no, were on the back roads, no scenic drive. I was starting to worry about my kidneys. What if all the people that didn't spend a small fortune on their timeshare bullshit gets put on the same shuttle and the crazy Iranian driver takes us to a back alley hostel, and they harvest our kidneys and we will wake up in an ice bath with a note that says call 911 and a cell phone taped to our hands.........

.....maybe I should stop watching scary movies....

I was very happy to get back to our hotel. And when we walked in 4 hours after we left, and another nice black man, in a vest, with a nametag, approached me, he got an ear full!

We did get $30 towards a meal. And ride tickets for all the rides on top of the stratosphere, and tickets to Bite, which was a totally cheesy, topless, vampire show. But we wasted half our Saturday.

Screwing # 2

I made reservations for the fancy, smancy restaurant on top of the stratosphere. We wanted to have a nice dinner and get dressed up. Jared donned his suit, and I had on a black, lacy little number. Quite the sexy couple.

We were seated after the ear-popping elevator ride to the 107th floor. The ride took about 20 seconds. My ears popped about 3 times, and I got a little dizzy.

Open the menu, and viola, shit my pants!!

Shrimp scampi, the appetizer, $19.00 (only 3 shrimp)
Salad $12.00 (for a side salad)
Lobster tail $65.00 - just the tail--nothing else
Most of the steaks were about $45 - $70.00 and that was just for the chunk of meat. If you wanted veggies or a potato--cost about $15.00 more.

I was dying! If we would have ordered what we wanted and to get full, we would have spent about $350.00! Way too rich for my blood. I am just a small town, country girl. I know better than to spend that kind of money of food.

Jared bailed us out of that one! He is a good man. The nice waitress told us to go downstairs and eat at one of the cheaper restaurants.

I ended up eating MiniChimis at a bar in New York New York, while Jared watched professional poker on TV and drank his Jack and Coke. So much more my style.

Which brings us to Screwing # 3

If you are not getting your money sucked into a slot machine, or handing it over to the Ornamental dealers, the cute little blonde bartenders will gladly take it.

At some bars, it was 17 effing dollars for a Jack and Coke and a beer. Can I say Whoa! That's more than an 18 pack of beer at home.

For you non-drinkers, the Jack and Coke is put in an 8 oz. glass that is half full of ice! Luckily, we found a hot little flirty blonde that put mostly Jack and a dash of Coke for Jared.

So next time you are in Vegas, remember to heed the wise words of my dad.

I wonder what getting your ass bitten in Vegas is like?